07 August 2006

the smack snack lab

if you're a believer in self-assisted suicide, there's no better way to go about it than by ingesting oodles of tasty stuff. one of my preferred poisons is extraorinarily savory popcorn, and killing onself slowly through high sodium intake is well, probably as much fun as hitting the smack.

keep that in mind and visit  kernels, a rare vendor of gourmet popcorn in an era when the glamour of gourmet popcorn seems to have gone the way of cocaine and swooping seagull haircuts. it's a one-of-a-kind local outpost of a canadian chain (the best things in life are often canadian, apparently) that serves exciting savory flavors just like popcorn palace & candy emporium used to do back in the halcyon days.

now for the fun part of today's little life lesson, also known as "how to get the most out of your kernels popcorn."

first, take a bag of kernels extraordinary popcorn (the larger size, the better). in this case, i'm going with kernels' jalapeno cheese. cracklin' good stuff. devour it completely, as quick as possible.

then grab a sieve and also a small bowl or container. you may also wish to use a colander if you have unnecessarily large bits of porpcorn left.

delicately empty the tidbits into your preferred filtration device. be careful not to spill any of it, as the stuff is both volatile and precious.

now here's the hard part. sift gently until all the savory flavoring from the mass of popcorn scraps has made it through to the bowll. toss (or eat the kernels) and inhale the detrital tidbits that remain.

eventually, you'll wind up with a few grams of some pretty pure saline smack. experts often make their own trademark blends - this particular batch is known by its street name as  japaleno cheese versus spicy buffalo wings. they pay a high premium for this stuff in miami. the bolivians are experts at processing it, and the c.i.a. sells it at the corner of 4th and san pedro in downtown l.a.

anyway, cap and store your smack in a cool, dry place away from authorities. use it on regular popcorn, as seasoning for steaks, soups, salads, ice cream, anything you desire really. take it to the movies with you like i do! it's always easy to smuggle a few grams in undetected. of course, if you're feeling daring you can even eat it straight up or inhale a few lines of it. back in the day users had to utilize a method called "licking the package" to get their fix. but thankfully through advances in modern technology, we now have much purer (and tasty) smack for your enjoyment. heads up to all the schoolkids out there! save your lunch money!


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